Dear [Redacted] readers:

Thank you for trying to get in touch with me. Unfortunately, you failed to follow protocol. I’ve come up with a list of digital prioritization to let people know how to contact me (or really anyone).

  1. Phone call: Only use this if a) you’re dying, b) you need something right this second or c) we already discussed a set time for a phone call. Never leave me a voicemail, unless you never want me to listen to it – in which case, leave as many as you’d like!
  2. Text message: Feel free to send me a text message if a) you need an update on something sooner rather than later, b) you’re interested in just saying hi or c) you tried to get in touch with me another way, and I didn’t respond.
  3. Facebook message: Note that you’ll immediately know when I see this message. However, don’t assume that I’m going to respond immediately. I’m always on social media, so I’m getting flooded with info constantly. Just because I’ve “seen” your info, doesn’t mean I’ve had time to think about it. I need to process messages, and I need to take time to give you a good answer, not just a quick one.
  4. Email: I get 423894372823.2 emails a day. Because of this, email is good for a few things, such as a) long, drawn-out rants, b) people who don’t use Facebook, c) work and d) spam. If you’re not one of these four categories, don’t email me.
  5. Twitter: Interestingly enough, this has the fastest reply time. It’s super easy to get in touch with me, and I enjoy it, so tweet me often.
  6. Snail mail: Don’t do it.
  7. Google+: What is this?