“One small step for man, and one giant leap for private institutions.” Representatives confirmed Tuesday morning that Gannon University would, in fact, would be the first university to expand a brand new campus on our planet’s moon, commonly referred to as “the Moon.”
“As many know, Gannon recently expanded our university to a Florida campus, and we think this is the most natural progression,” said Buzz Kaufman, head of the Gannon Lunar Mission. The move is only being held up by current issues acquiring a space shuttle. “We know a guy who claims to know a guy, but so far, no dice. We are holding out and checking Craigslist daily, though.” While most are thrilled by the new move, some are less enthused.
“Living in Space West Hall, I’m going to be located almost 20 minutes from anything else on campus, including Waldron Moon Base,” one anonymous student commented. “I have to leave 15 minutes early every day to avoid the line and pick up a freeze-dried chicken tender melt from Doc’s. It’s like, my parents didn’t buy me a moon buggy for graduation. What do you expect?”
Students are being selected through a series of prerequisites. “We’re trying to recruit students whose majors will actually be needed on the moon,” Kaufman said. “For example, we could use some great pre-law students to determine some brand new Moon laws. We’re going to want some health science majors, as well. Honestly, we’re trying to take those who won’t mind a lack of activity, because there’s not much to do up there aside from space walking, really. On second thought, this doesn’t seem like a great idea.”
Chosen students will be required to complete zero-G training, including “that really fun spinning thing.” Another concern being expressed is the possibility of extraterrestrials disturbing classes. “Now, that is a stereotype and I won’t have any of it,” Kaufman responded, “Extraterrestrials are more than welcome to enroll in our courses. The moon is a safe place for all species, except lizard people. Those guys freak me out.” Interested students are required to purchase their own spacesuits and contact firstname.lastname@example.org to reserve their spot.