Gannon is a school with many science majors. Because of this, a guest speaker will make an appearance to discuss the finding of a new species. In the past we have had real biologists come to give talks on their life’s work. On April 9th at 7:00PM in the Yehl Ball Room, we will bring in a live member of the newly discovered species (1).

The name of the guest speaker is BigFoot, a Sasquatch who lives peacefully in the woods of Oregon (2). He is one of many Sasquatches yet to be discovered by modern scientists. He hopes to keep it this way.

He has worked out a deal with the biology department that they will not turn him in to any wildlife authorities and deem him a known species. That is why that everyone who attends the speech must sign a waver saying that they will not turn him in, take any pictures, or record any videos. Sasquatch is eligible to sue anyone who does not follow his/her agreement, so I would recommend not trying to be the one who discovers Sasquatch (3). He does not wish to be known to the human race, but he does wish to educate college students on the importance of not being discovered.

In the email he sent to Gannon, he said that many people have seen him, but he just does not want to be known by humans. In the email he wrote, “It is weird being a sensation among people. Everybody knows who you are. You even appear in Jack Link’s Beef Jerky commercials. But honestly, this is all a little too much. I never asked for this.”

Sasquatch never wanted fame. In fact, he prefers to live a life of solitude. He says, “We are all very shy, us Sasquatches. We look like normal people, but we are big, fat, and hairy, and we just feel like we would scare everyone away. This is why we wish not to be discovered (4).”

I spoke with a member of APB, (Activity Programming Board) who would wish to remain anonymous, who decided to reach out to Sasquatch about the body positivity movement. “It is such a shame he lives in fear due to self-consciousness. He really has nothing to fear. Everyone loves him. He is practically a celebrity.”

Perhaps the celebrity life is just not for Sasquatch (5). That is just not how this species works. But it is a major step for a Sasquatch to leave hiding and give a big talk in front of several university students. This will be big because it is Sasquatch’s first public appearance (6). Hopefully, this will not be the last public appearance, but we do not know if Sasquatch will show himself to Gannon University once and never want to be heard from again.

I am personally excited about this lecture, and I am excited to hear what BigFoot has to say about life as a Sasquatch.

Editors Notes from Teddy Rankin, renowned Gannon Sasquatch expert: 

  1. According to the Smithsonian Society, Sasquatches have been recognized as a species of animal since technology allowed for closer surveillance of the famous “Patterson Gimlin Film” of 1967.
  2. Although a large population of Sasquatches do reside in the Pacific Northwest, BigFoot communities have been recorded from Florida to Northern Canada.
  3. Not only are Sasquatches represented by a prestigious legal firm, but they also possess the strength of up to 7 grown men.
  4. Sasquatches do not speak English. Their language has been described as grunting, howling, and even knocking on trees in a rhythmic sequence. Also, since most of their time is spent hunting and gathering, the species is generally very physically fit.
  5. Multiple witnesses have reported seeing tribes of BigFoots performing ritualistic dances and performances. If they were included in our society, they may become Hollywood stars.
  6. “Patty” from the “Patterson Gimlin Film” was the first Sasquatch to appear publicly. She did multiple interviews for the local news, and even appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show.