So you’re walking to class, listening to “1989,” when suddenly, you’re struck with a familiar pain. No, it can’t be – lunch is an hour and 20 minutes away! You double over in hunger like werewolf during a full moon and let out a distinguished howl. Luckily, you have some options, which is why I took the time to rank the best vending machines on campus.
5. Wehrle Hall
I myself was once a Wehrlebird, eager for late-night study-eating. The vending machine at Wehrle got me through some hard times. That being said, it’s your typical vending machine – Doritos, candy bars, those mints no one buys and the ever-delicious T.G.I.Friday’s “potato skins.” I’ve also learned that Gannon is the only place on Earth to offer the fabled Salsitas since the late ‘90s, which can be digested or used to make a room reek of fake tomato powder. Bonus points for being exclusive – you gotta live there or know someone to get in.
4. Finegan Hall
Ah, good ole Fin. I actually spent more time sleeping on my friends’ floors here than I did in my own room. The Finegan machine is a step ahead of Wehrle in terms of variety, but that’s about it. The rest is almost identical. Plus, the Werhle machine was broken for an extended period of time last semester, so Finegan was the place to be if you wanted a bottled Starbucks Frappuccino or those heart-stopping onion straws.
3. Center for Communication and the Arts
When it comes to the CCA, my complaints are few and far between. The building has everything for a guy like me: the radio station, multimedia studios and editing lofts. But does it have junk food? In fact, the vending machines at the CCA provide an incentive of very special interest: almost every snack item costs only 85 cents. “That’s crazy,” you say. “We need to go now!” Hold on a minute, champ. There’s a catch. The card reader is disabled, meaning you can’t use your precious GU Gold. You can snack for cheap, but you’d better bring your change purse.
2. Zurn Science Center
Now things are getting good. Zurn has almost everything I’ve mentioned up to this point, but with the addition of a Brisk machine. You read that right – a drink machine dedicated to cans of sweet nectar of the gods. For a mere $1, you can get anything from classic lemon to raspberry iced tea and even fruit juice. Anybody who’s anybody is gonna be found hanging around these vending machines.
1. Palumbo Academic Center
It’s Friday night, and you’ve got a hot date in just under an hour, when – gasp – you’ve nowhere to take the lovely lady/lad! Wherever will you go? If you answered “the vending machines in Palumbo,” you are correct. When I say this vending area has everything, you better believe that it has everything: two snack machines to support your “Salsitas for breakfast” habit, your typical drink machines including a Brisk machine, and even a hot drink contraption for coffee, espresso and hot chocolate – because we all know you’re never going to make it through that café line before class.
There you have it, folks. As always, I do the research so you don’t have to. Fear those hunger pains no more, because the next time a craving strikes, you can hit the nearest vending machine for the always-nutritious combination of Chili Cheese Fritos and Gatorade, despite your waning health. We all deserve to treat ourselves now and again.